Experiences

The EDYKA kit was a great addition to the classroom, providing material adapted to the different needs of the pupils. Whether for relaxation, time management, emotions, attention disorders or other needs, this material was used on a regular basis by the children. This was a great help, and the students quickly took possession of it.

Robin was very intelligent. Prone to temper tantrums, he would overturn his desk, spilling all of its contents, and then hide underneath it like a trapped animal. Through patience, empathy, and taking baby steps, he learned to calm down and trust me. It was such a nice surprise when shortly before Christmas, his dad and he delivered to the classroom a large Christmas tree and decorations. I can honestly say that we have now become friends ! 

Neuro-divergent children, who are also often hypersensitive, are easy prey for verbal or physical harassment. When bullying is detected, we, as parents, need to take strong action to stop it quickly, show our children our unconditional support, and reassure them that their parents support them. Do not underestimate the feelings of the child in this situation. 

IREM (Institut de Recherche pour l’Enseignement des Mathématiques – Research Institute for Mathematics Education) ran various workshops, offered alternative educational paths, adaptable to different types of students. As a team of teachers (multidisciplinary) we could share our experiences. We also worked to successfully onboard and integrate students into the school environment. 

I was very bad in French class when it came to text analysis, writing and essays but excellent in spelling, syntax, conjugation and grammar. I never had any ideas for my writing assignments, and the few times that I did, people thought I had somehow cheated. Even when I worked hard on my essays, my grades remained low, I just didn’t see the point of describing and developing a reasoning for something that was already obvious to me. In Belgium, secondary school ends with a specific final exam (called maturity exam), a requirement for university enrollment (personal work on the subject of your choice and an essay). Even though I was a rather average student, who did not stand out, and passed all my secondary school classes, my teachers debated wether or not to pass me because my essay was so terrible.  In the end, they gave me the benefit of the doubt, particularly because I wanted to enroll in a scientific curriculum. I’m thankful to them because I succeeded in my studies and obtained my university degree. 

A parent is responsible for educating his child, guiding him, encouraging him to experience and learn from his mistakes, but the parent must also have the right approach (which will be different, depending on the age and character of each child). The parent shouldn’t take up too much space, nor be a ‘helicopter’ parent. With neuro-divergent children, it’s even more complex; you have to listen to their silences, ask questions to detect potential problems before they arise, explain, anticipate, defuse… There is little leeway. 

Some introverted students, lacking confidence, used different tools and were more committed. For example, some students used ‘Ztools’ or ‘slant board’ and worked well during reading or listening comprehension phases, or even during research work. These tools enabled students to regain confidence, motivate themselves and, above all, get to know each other.

A student who was clearly bored in class, and rarely operated at the same pace as his peers. The questions that he raised were relevant, but not timely. He often exhibited hostility and other disturbing behaviours

We have always attended all parents-teachers meetings at our children’s schools from kindergarten through high school. During the individual meetings, we have tried to meet all the teachers, we always listened carefully to their reports, comments, and advices, we sincerely thanked them and implemented their recommendations. This sends several positive messages to the teacher: your interest in your child’s progress and, above all, the value of the teachers’ input. For Victor, who is neurodivergent, we met more frequently with teachers and school staff to understand and explain certain different behaviors. We invited his psychologist to join us at some school meetings so he can help them with the daily management of Victor. Together we looked for more appropriate solutions. We never arrived with demands or criticisms: on the contrary, we always listened, encouraged and thanked the teachers for their extraordinary work and dedication. It is really by forming a close team around the child that he can progress better, feel supported and be more fulfilled. Despite all the obstacles, Victor finished his schooling with his French baccalaureate!

Emily was always a perfectionist. We noticed this when she was very young.  When she was in first grade, she attempted to fill two notebook pages to respond to a simple question from the teacher. I never gave it much thought until she suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 16. My only advice is to be very close to your teenagers and to detect extreme behavior as early as possible in order to better understand and manage it. 

During high school in the ‘80s, Gabriel was a brilliant student in mathematics but terrible at languages. He often discussed math as an equal with his teacher. He was also very good in other science subjects. At the end of one of the school years, his teachers required that he redo the grade, because he had failed 2 language courses. Looking back, I pity him because he must have been so bored ! 

Many gifted and autistic children are bored in class, and find school to be a real ordeal. I have always tried to compensate for this by enrolling my children in different extracurricular activities that they care about: sports, music, art, or foreign languages. They also enjoyed having unassigned time to relax, get bored, muse, enjoy life, … But the most important thing was for them was to identify one or more passions, because it amused them, interested them, it was a good outlet, and maybe even a future career. This was critical in one of my children’s’ lives. 

Hypersensitivity and ease of learning. In 5th grade, when she was 11 years old, Olivia’s spelling was very poor and she wrote phonetically.  This was attributed to a standardized learning methodology, unsuited to her needs, coupled by a teacher who was indifferent to her needs. We switched her to a very strict school in Brussels. There, her teacher immediately brought us in to advise that Olivia was a full year behind in math and two years behind in French… How stressful !!! Olivia ceases to cause problems in class because this great teacher has taken charge.  While both strict and demanding, he is fair and has a great sense of humor ! He also takes matters into his own hands. Olivia caught up in both math in January and in French in June. In Belgium, the 6th grade ends with the CEB test (certificat d’études de base – certificate of basic studies) : with tests in math, French, sciences. Olivia passed these tests, notwithstanding her failure to follow the instructions !!! 

For me, a ‘gifted’ student was typically at the top of the class, with very high grades, on a regular basis (> 95%). Through my experience with Leo, I learned that a gifted child is not always so successful at school 

Adapting to the world in general, to other children of her age, to other people.  Understanding things at face value.

As soon as John had a goal, which was to study in the US, his behavior changed 180 degrees and his school grades skyrocketed. The very demanding American coach who prepared him for his SATs calmed him down and helped him to focus. Leaving home at 17 made him mature. John is now a responsible and hardworking 26-year-old. Also, my daughter Mia was always very intelligent, but at the same time, she was very unhappy. Once she found her calling in life, she more than excelled. 

Hypersensitivity, rowdiness at school, peculiar cognitive behavior, taking shortcuts in rlogic to solve mathematical problems. Anna has difficulty explaining her reasoning, gets angry and then says: ‘but it makes sense!’

Henry was always surrounded by a large circle of friends. We knew he was smart and didn’t question it; both his sister and brother were smart too, so that was the norm for us as young parents. Around the age of eight or nine, he no longer wanted to go to school, was always complaining of stomach aches and headaches, but without any drama. The real wake-up call for me was when Henry was in 4th grade, and his teacher said, ‘Everything is fine, Henry spends his day reading books by Jules Vernes in the back of the class; he doesn’t bother anyone and yet he still excels’. It turns out that Henry was bored to death in class ! Together with Henry, we tried to find alternatives to standardized classical education. That’s when we realized that, in Brussels, there were no programs in place to stimulate children who learn faster, unlike the many tools to work with children who have fallen behind in their learning.  His school worked with us, within its capacity; it established a learning system for the 5th-6th graders (11-12 years old) with ‘contracts’, i.e. the teacher gives the theoretical course and the pupils have a file of practice to complete. Those who finish faster and successfully can help other students. At 11, Henry fulfilled his 5th and 6th grade contracts, and then went on to help other students. He completed 2 academic years in one and began secondary school at 10 years old. As he quickly started to get bored again in class, he learned Mandarin, then enrolled in English and Dutch language courses. Fortunately, he was well integrated socially; he thrived in boy scouts. What saved us was his resilience and the fact that he knew how to make the best of each stage. I say ‘us’ because any trouble with a child inevitably affects the siblings and the family. He is now 25 years old, is completing a doctorate in the UK and is happy.

During an special disciplinary class meeting, the teacher asks my son Victor why he always answers before everyone else. His answer was, ‘I have 1 in 25 chances (26 students) of being heard!’. 

The most difficult thing is to be able to manage your gifted child in his everyday life, by trying to understand his logic of thinking, and trying to interpret and analyze the emotions that he experiences. 

In my mind, there is no positive takeaway. However, I do try to take the positive from Mathias. He is a boy who is very much loved and has many friends because he is always compassionate and supportive. And because he’s so smart, he always manages to get by.

Daniel refused to sit still and was always horseplaying.  He enjoyed making people laugh and played around with words. In first grade, he clowned around (after a mini depression at the start of the school year). As an example, he threw a pencil on the floor and then did a handstand to pick it up … 

Anna had left at school all relevant materials (e.g. notebooks and textbooks) ordinarily necessary to prepare for school exams, which were taking place. Also, she was imitating perfectly her French and Geography teachers. When I was invited to the school to discuss disciplinary measures, it was very hard for me to remain serious because her imitations were so spot on ! 

Encourage and celebrate your child’s gift/passion, rather than reprimanding them. Above all, you need to support your child’s interest and/or help them discover them, rather than imposing your aspirations onto them.     

When the child is very young, I recommend reaching out to parents’ associations for gifted children, chatting with other parents and specialists. Find activities in which the child will thrive (art, sport …). Trust your child and stay positive with them. I wish that I have received this kind of advice, because I was not very positive, I admit ! 

Anger, endless questions, opposition to authority, refusal to listen, questioning everything (activities, work at school, ideas), frustration. 

At 4 years old, Paul and his sister were registered for tennis lessons (separate age groups) on Wednesday afternoons. Halfway through the year, I learned that Paul was not showing up for his lessons. It turns out that he had opened a tab at the tennis club bar, where he would purchase snacks, chips, cookies, drinks, etc, while watching TV. When we confronted him, his response was that he had nothing to learn from this lesson and that it was a waste of time. As it turns out, he had the tennis proficiency of a 6-year-old. 

Identify the right school, which may not necessarily be a private school. I joined a parents’ association for gifted children, which had published a directory of resources. I phoned every parent in the city to ask them which school their child had attended, as well as their opinion of that school. None were satisfied, and many also regretted not having enrolled their child in the Alsatian school, renowned for its program for gifted children. It was his school’s programming and acceptance that made all the difference for Adam. 

It was not obvious to me because Samuel had been difficult since birth. Even as a baby, he couldn’t manage his emotions, which presented as anger, fear, hyperactivity, etc.  In short, he was labeled a ‘moody and angry’ child. 

While in pre-kindergarten, Paul managed to sneak into his older sister’s class where he spent a full hour participating and integrating into the activities without the teacher even noticing him. Eventually, she realized that there was a child in her class who did not belong. 

I would have liked to have known that his anger and opposition were just part of being Samuel; that it was not deliberately to seek power, and that he cannot help it. Knowing this is that is how we came to accept his differences. 

Mathias was finally identified as gifted, after being tested by a psychologist.  The psychologist reassured me that he did not have a learning disability, something for which I had always blamed myself. Identifying the issue, whatever it may be, is comforting, and also prepares one better to support their child. 

Because there are so many different conditions for gifted children, obtaining good advice is critical. Sometimes people think we are blessed to have an intelligent child, but it’s the whole emotional side that gets exaggerated and is difficult to manage, which means these children can be feeling great pain that we are unable to identify. I feel like I’ve had a teenager since he turned four years’ old. 

For Daniel, my first child, it was the people with whom he spent time who tipped me off (family, activity supervisors): he spoke and developed a large vocabulary at an early age (2 years old), was over-zealous interest in reading early, and was reading by the age of 4.  As well, he was only interested in spending time with older children. His psychologist recommended giftedness tests.

Placing him the right school from the start, but above all, enrolling him in an activity that could calm him down and help him focus. 

Victor’s lack of involvement in class and his lack of motivation in almost every aspect of life, he did absolutely nothing other than playing his drums and electric guitar, because he wanted to be a rock star. Nearly every school report card contained warnings related to poor work and/or unacceptable behavior.

For teachers to be more understanding and forgiving of the ‘different‘ behaviors of our family members and thus being more understanding and forgiving ! 

At school. Also hiring a coach made all the difference. I had brought in so-called specialists for gifted children to help with homework but that proved to be a waste of time. At Lea’s request, I engaged a coach who, following tests and conversations, got her to say what she really enjoyed : speaking in public and convince others. My advice : above all, do not force your child to do what you think is good for them.

The need for a framework and discipline. To be understood, and to be taken seriously. 

Over the years, we had accepted as normal her shyness, chronic fatigue, erratic behaviour at the table, lack of empathy, unwillingness to give gifts at birthdays/family celebrations, difficulties at school, poor relationships with siblings, unhealthy shyness in primary school, learning difficulties in secondary school, burnout at university, etc. When Lily was 23 years old, she told us that she thought she had autism, because she had taken an online diagnostic test. I immediately responded that what she said made real sense, and that I was committed to finding her the necessary professional help to obtain a proper medical diagnosis. I was fortunate to know where to obtain this information. 

I would have managed Victoria’s childhood very differently had I better understood her challenges with both school and learning, her social interactions, her silences, her naps, her eating habits.  It’s not for lack of talking about it, including with my therapist. 

Everything.  We knocked on many doors since Cynthia was 7 years old. And today we are much calmer, also relieved that she understands herself, is in charge, and can manage herself as a young adult. We also learned that Cynthia needs to go home to recharge, that it is a ’safe place’ for her. We didn’t realize it as much before. She can now work out her anxiety and no longer be paralyzed by it. 

I always said I didn’t have Victoria’s ‘user guide’, at least not until she was diagnosed. What a relief to finally understand all kinds of behaviours whose meaning I was looking for, to connect and to improve our relationship. 

When Lucas was disturbed or overwhelmed by something, he would ‘shut down’ and no one could reach him. We could spend days trying to find the source of this attitude to solve the situation. With the help of his psychologist, our better understanding of his functioning and his development, we were able to avoid crises or reduce its duration. 

Parental intuition is good, but we don’t always have 20-20 vision. It was our daughter, Cynthia, when she was in university, who raised the issue. We try to be transparent with her about her diagnosis, while at the same time, respecting her privacy. Girls are frequently under-diagnosed because they don’t act out in class. We need to continually raising awareness among families and the scholastic world for those children who fall under the radar.  We were very sad to learn that Cynthis suffered for as long as she did without us knowing. We told her. We remain much more vigilant today, and also know that she is developing good coping tools and strategies to manage her adult life. 

I would have understood that Iris’s more-than-direct messages (about picking her up or for money) made sense. She wasn’t being polite because it was practical stuff. I felt that our relationship was ‘business-like’. We laughed about it between ourselves but I was still sad. 

As Arthur’s schooling progressed, we realized that all his energy was necessary to pay attention in class, to endure the noise and the environment of his classmates. When the timetable foresees a Monday with classes that run from 8am to 6pm (with lunch and recess), he comes home mentally and physically exhausted, so much so that he is not only unable to do homework or lessons in the evening, but also that it impacted the rest of the week. We decided, in agreement with him, to lighten the schedule and to spread the classes out over the week, to have a break in a quiet place, if possible, even to postpone classes to the next semester or the next year. It is better to postpone one class than fail several because of exhaustion.

When Lucas systematically responded to questions with answers such as: ‘I don’t know’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘As you wish’, I hadn’t understood that he simply didn’t know how to make choices, and was avoiding the subject.  One day, I realized that ‘I don’t know’ could mean many things, such as: ‘I don’t know what is expected of me’ or ‘I don’t know how to do it’ or ‘I don’t know what to do’. From then on, I began to ask more specific, more direct questions, fewer open-ended questions. 

When the diagnosis was established, Iris’s psychologist had told us that we were going to have to change the way we do things as a family, and also educate ourselves. Following a period of denial for some, family life is much more harmonious, and we now have a greater appreciation and respect for everyone’s needs. We have read a lot and remain open to ideas and strategies that can help Iris. 

It would have been helpful to know that noise was disturbing to Elisa, and that wearing headphones would allow her to recharge her batteries, as opposed to isolating herself from us. I also wish I had known that sleeping was so difficult for her. I would have tried to find different strategies to allow her to obtain better rest. 

Recoiling from kiss on the cheek to say hello, always sitting in the same place at the table, sibling conflicts, difficulty sleeping, trouble with writing, challenges with schooling, few friendships within a group, slowness in taking charge of things, incomprehensible behavior (to me) when out in public (e.g. shops).  Between what Lily was telling us and what we witnessed, it felt like she was lying. 

The center ‘Naître et grandir’, friends with whom we have exchanged  research papers, also testimonials from autistic people, such as the blog ‘Bleuet atypique’ or ‘Invisible Differences’. 

Prior to Iris’ diagnosis, we were afraid for her because something did not seem right, even though she had seen with two psychologists. I wanted to be sure that she would seek help in time. Today, we truly believe that having a proper diagnosis, and visits to a qualified psychologist have allowed her to be fulfilled and to manage many matters at the same time, friendships, studies, love life, sports and a student job. It’s a big relief. 

Lucas used to and still relies on escape or avoidance as a defense mechanism. If we asked questions that were too general, he would reply, ‘okay’, just to get us to move on.  During the car ride home from secondary school, I got into the habit of discussing with him in detail his entire day, also asking him a pointed questions about the subject, teacher, or friends. When Lucas answered, everything was fine. When there was great silence or a closed face, I knew that I had to dig more into this topic, find the problems and solutions, and explanations so that Lucas would be well enough to return to class the next day. 

Geoffrey had a language delay. When he began kindergarten at age four, he still wasn’t speaking. Halfway through first grade (6 years old), he couldn’t read his first name and mixed up letters in the alphabet. Although we worked with a speech therapist, he continued to misuse the letters m-n and p-t. At that time, he was diagnosed with dysorthographia, it was also determined that his mathematic skills were well above average. For Geoffrey, French was work, but math was a game. In fact, he hardly studied because no matter what he did, he received poor grades in French and excellent grades in math. Somehow he got through his schooling and he obtained his French baccalaureate with honors without having to repeat a year. He chose to pursue medicine and placed in the top 60 students in the freshman competition! He became a doctor, with a typical doctor’s handwriting! 

When he was 8 years old, Jonathan had an old-style schoolteacher who was approaching retirement. She cared dearly about nice writing and tidy notebooks. She tore out notebook pages, wrote ‘MESSY !’ or ‘SLOPPY !’ in red. It was a huge trauma and source of intense stress. We didn’t know at the time that Jonathan was dysgraphic… 

Eliott was ambidextrous and very clumsy.  When he was riding a scooter, he would switch his feet every 3 or 4 pushes.  He was never capable of using a compass because would pick it up with both hands. He was also unable to make accurate geometrical designs.  Eliott only learned to tie his shoelaces when he was around 9-10 years old and even now as an adult, he puts on and takes off his shoes without undoing his laces.  At the dinner table, he often switches cutlery from left to right, depending on his mood. 

In first grade, Kevin wasn’t learning how to read but instead memorized everything. He had an extraordinary memory, remembered everything, without always understanding it. He was monitored by a speech therapist who helped him with his learning difficulties. Now as an adult, he still confuses sounds like ‘é and è’. He is hyperactive and is good at sports. Kevin often pretends to be dum, and may even become psychotic at times. He rebels against all form of authority, only accepting the advice from a select group of people. He did obtain his baccalaureate at the end of a difficult school experience.  

A few years ago, I had to deal with Thomas’ violent and OCD behaviours. It was through unwavering compassion and involvement that I earned his trust and was able to help him break the cycles of OCD behaviour. Thomas now knows that I am always there to listen to him. 

My daughter Julie is hyperactive, and it was impossible for her to do her homework sitting down. For spelling lessons, she would play ‘Twister’: each coloured circle of the carpet represented letters. In order to learn her words, Julie would move hands and feet on the coloured circles to match the letters of the words.

When Jordan failed to behave properly in class, he was grounded during recess and required to write lines in his notebook. Because Jordan is hyperactive, this was counterproductive, and even more than others, he really needed recess to unwind so that he could be quieter and more focussed in class.

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One day, eight-year-old David came home from school at lunchtime and said to his nanny, ‘I don’t have to go to school this afternoon’. Surprised, she contacted us at the office. David then explained that the teacher told him that if he did not intend to work, there was no need to come back. He obviously took things at face value!

Harry had accommodation plans throughout his secondary studies (computer, extra time…). In the middle of secondary school, the head teacher mentioned to us that another student found that doodling helped him to concentrate. Harry found this interesting and asked if, instead of doodling, he could read in class. His teachers allowed this although they were skeptical. All language teachers requested that the book he was reading be in the same language being taught. Reading allowed Harry to be busy and more engaged, all the while listening to everything his teachers had to say. The French teacher had proof of this : one day, she asked her students a question and when no student answered, Harry looked up from his book, answered correctly and then went back to his book. 

Several months before his birthdays, David asked for a present that he described in great detail. We were somewhat perplexed to receive such a precise description from such a young child, also we were completely unfamiliar with the described toy. We shopped endlessly until we finally came across this famous present. Because David was with us, as there was no way we could purchase this item without him knowing, nor was there the option to pick it up another day, given the remoteness of this store. We confirmed with him that this was what he wanted. We told David  would buy it now but that he could not play with it before his birthday. We wrongly expected a tantrum. Instead, David would go to look at the wrapped gift and would say, ‘This is the green toy that I will receive on my birthday’.  He would then return to his play, happy, and reassured in knowing that he would receive exactly what he wanted. 

Eliott has a phenomenal memory; he hears something once and remembers it, so long as it interests him. He has never understood the point of writing anything down, because he never opens his notebooks or rereads anything, and certainly never rereads his lessons before his tests. This has always annoyed his teachers. Moreover, as Eliott is dysgraphic, writing has always required a great deal of energy and concentration, a problem that arises because the mind moves so much faster than the hand ! 

In the middle of secondary school, the language teacher selected a topic that fascinated Harry : he actively participated in class, did a lot of research, gave a very precise and thorough presentation and obtained an excellent grade at the end of the term. Months later, he was assigned a topic that was of no interest to him, he did virtually nothing, refusing to take his exams and, as a result, received a zero grade  at the end of the term. 

Throughout most of his primary and secondary education, Eliott never opened a notebook or a textbook. His backpack was hanged at the entrance of the house but was never opened. This didn’t stop him from graduating from high school. 

One day, Gerald accidentally hit another child who had pushed him in the school playground. He was punished and sent to a classroom for the rest of the recess. The truth is Gerald actually hated recess because there is too much noise, too much movement, too many kids, too much stimulation. For Gerald, recess was not a time to relax but rather a huge source of stress. Being relegated in a quiet place by himself, was really a reward, not a punishment. After that, Gerald would go out into the yard, hit some random child so that he would be sent to a quiet classroom.