QUESTIONS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Imagine if, all day long, you hear
‘Get dressed’
‘Tidy your room’
‘Give me your report’
‘Cook dinner’
‘Do the laundry’
How would you feel?
Mugged?
Overwhelmed?
Tired?
Distant?
Not even listening anymore?
Notice what happens in your body when you are given a command:
your body may stiffen and your brain may resist the message sent
This is what happens to our children.
Hearing ordres all day long, it is very likely that your child feels exactly the same way … They don’t listen anymore.
It is physiological, at some point the brain stops responding!
Are you tired of repeating 100 times the same thing?
How about asking questions?
Notice, again this time, what happens in your body when a question is asked in a respectful manner, such as
‘When can you return the report?’ or ‘Did you start the laundry machine?’
Your body relaxes and your brain searches for an answer to the message being sent. During this search process, you feel respected, capable and more likely to cooperate.
This is exactly what happens with children. From the moment the child seeks and finds an answer, he will want to do things.
First of all, because his brain will simply be looking for an answer.
Then, because he will feel respected and involved (not dominated)
According to Adler (the Austrian psychiatrist behind Positive Discipline), human beings are social beings.
As such, people and especially children have a deep need to belong and contribute to the group in which they live.
Two essential needs of children are
to feel belonging and to feel useful
Most of their behaviors will therefore be influenced by these two needs.
So, every time you feel like giving an order (even if it seems easier and faster), take a few seconds to ask a question. It will not be natural at first but, with some practice, you will see, you will get used to it!
| Instead of saying | Say |
| Don’t forget your coat! | What do you need to go outside in this cold? |
| Get your feet off the couch! | What did we ask for the sofa? |
| Put your plate away! | What did we decide about the plates after the meals? |
| Do your homework! | How are you going to do your homework today? |
Finally, keep in mind that
the questions depends the age
and especially that the tone is often more important than the words.
If the question is asked in a tone of voice that does not expect an answer, you are not really showing respect.
It’s being genuinely curious that triggers a change in posture
from the vertical of the injunction to co-construction!
Other ways to avoid orders and involve children
- Give them choices, alternatives: ‘Would you rather get dressed now or after lunch?’ (Limit to 2 choices only!).
- Help them make the first step, show them how to do.
- Formulate positively (avoid negation: the brain has difficulty understanding negation). Replace ‘Don’t run by the pool’ with ‘You have to walk by the pool’.
- Refer to your routine, to the rules set up together: ‘Do you remember what to do after dinner?’
With a simple change of sentence type and tone, you will make your children more autonomous, more confident, able to judge, to come up with ideas and solutions, etc…
Isn’t it worth it?
Article by Isabelle de Chateauvieux
Other articles regarding positive discipline
1 – Positive discipline, what is it?